Bring the Rain

I love rainy days. As I thought about this today, the Mercy Me song, "Bring the Rain," came to mind. The opening line of this song has stuck with me a lot. It is not something I do well, but something I strive for.

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You
with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Even though I handle rough water pretty well, I do tend to go through a crisis of faith every time the rain comes. This has really bothered me over the years. On one side of it, I can easily attribute it to my logical and literal side that wants to know the facts in every case. For this, I sometimes miss the reason right in front of me for trying to find the bigger purpose. I think it is important to remember that not every event, good or bad, has some transcendent purpose. Some do but if it's not obvious, I probably can't understand or see it anyway.

It always makes me laugh when I realize that God has put a theme in my life that I completely miss. Over and over again, I've been told that worship happens outside the church more than in it. Somehow, I missed or ignored that until now. I want to get better at praising God at every turn. I worked for a long time to achieve the never ceasing prayer, but I think I was missing the point. The truth is that praise is another form of prayer and, in many cases, is more pleasing to God than most of our prayers. Why are we so inclined to cry out as though we are in pain and suffering. Truth is, we are very blessed even in our toughest times. Yet we cry out like lepers. Instead, let's sing out to him in thanksgiving. He has given is his own son and put this entire world in our hands. His only reward is our praise and worship to him.

Fraud!!

In my research and studies recently, I have found one of the most reassuring things about the accounts of other aspies that found their way to a diagnosis late in life. They resoundingly report feeling like a fraud. I have felt this very often myself and it has caused me countless bouts with depression and loss of self-confidence. The feeling that someone is going to figure out that you are not the able-bodied mechanic, musician, or technician you have convinced people you are is crushing at times.

I understand now why we feel this way. It's not because we feel like someone is going to figure out that we faked our credentials or experience. Those who I have read about have probably discounted their full capabilities. Aspies actually tend to be quite talented in specific arenas. The truth is that we feel this way because we are frauds. We have to be or we would be completely unable to be social. Those who fail to put on a "normal" mask tend to be those who are labeled hermits or simply become so jaded as to stop human interaction.

In order to keep myself from offending almost everyone I come in contact with or somehow alienating the few friends I have managed to make, it has been necessary to have a sort of alter-ego. Not in the cool spy way, either, but rather in the what comes out of my mouth is not what is going on in my head way. I used to think that the filter between my thoughts and speech was flawed. The truth is that mine has to be even stronger than the average person to catch the deluge of logical thoughts that stream from even the simplest comment. Some are fairly normal, but not relevant to the conversation. Others, however, tend to be very cold and detached. They are always logical, but logic is not universally understood. This leaves me with a sort of second personality.

I always wished that someone would find me out so I could stop the sick feeling every time I failed to answer honestly about what I was thinking. Now I have to find a way to be ok with being a fraud. I do know that I have always sought out social interaction even though I suck at it. I have always wanted friends even though I fail to call them out of nowhere or remember their birthdays or what is going on in their lives. Maybe, if I can come to expect my life as a fraud, I can get past this and back to getting better at being social.

You have to start somewhere

I have known for my entire sentient life that something about me was different. From the way I related to machines and people and how differently I perceived each one to wondering why I was so set in routines and obsessed with normalcy. Well, I think I am getting closer to an understanding.

Momma (my nickname for the wife) and I have been trying to distinguish what is causing some of the issues with Big Man's (our Boy) development and some of the odd behaviors both he and the Chicken (the girl) exhibit. As part of this, we have started a journey towards determining the scope of his Sensory Processing issues and working towards having him evaluated for Autism. If you know him, most of you will turn your brains off here and say there is no way that Big Man is autistic. Autism, however, is no longer limited to those who have completely withdrawn into themselves as thought previously. There is an entire spectrum of disorders today classified within the spectrum. I agree that Big Man is on the upper functioning end of the spectrum, but I want him to learn to fully cope before he is an adult. I feel very strongly that I can save him a lot of grief if we start teaching him to be human today.

You will ask why I feel so strongly about this and now I can actually tell you. I have been reading "Look Me in the Eye" and recommend it to anyone curious about how the aspie mind works. Through this, I have wondered whether I am an aspie myself because of the constant association with his seemingly demented thought processes and difficulty being normal. After this process and taking several on-line evaluations, I am confident that I too am an aspie. What this does it explain why I had to study active listening, sociology, and general human interaction to get where I am today. The road to this place is littered with broken relationships and I am sure a wave of people who thought I was an asshole, uncaring, or just generally weird. This also explains the way I look at computer systems and can do mathematical equations in my head.

From here I have to make a lot of decisions. Do I seek a diagnosis for myself? Will doing this help Big Man? Will it help me at all? Am I as well adjusted as I think I am (No!)? I am thankful for the people in my life that are still around and care for me. All this means is that you are all especially loving, caring, and most of all, weird, too. This is the beginning post of my journey through this. I hope you will follow along.