Fraud!!

In my research and studies recently, I have found one of the most reassuring things about the accounts of other aspies that found their way to a diagnosis late in life. They resoundingly report feeling like a fraud. I have felt this very often myself and it has caused me countless bouts with depression and loss of self-confidence. The feeling that someone is going to figure out that you are not the able-bodied mechanic, musician, or technician you have convinced people you are is crushing at times.

I understand now why we feel this way. It's not because we feel like someone is going to figure out that we faked our credentials or experience. Those who I have read about have probably discounted their full capabilities. Aspies actually tend to be quite talented in specific arenas. The truth is that we feel this way because we are frauds. We have to be or we would be completely unable to be social. Those who fail to put on a "normal" mask tend to be those who are labeled hermits or simply become so jaded as to stop human interaction.

In order to keep myself from offending almost everyone I come in contact with or somehow alienating the few friends I have managed to make, it has been necessary to have a sort of alter-ego. Not in the cool spy way, either, but rather in the what comes out of my mouth is not what is going on in my head way. I used to think that the filter between my thoughts and speech was flawed. The truth is that mine has to be even stronger than the average person to catch the deluge of logical thoughts that stream from even the simplest comment. Some are fairly normal, but not relevant to the conversation. Others, however, tend to be very cold and detached. They are always logical, but logic is not universally understood. This leaves me with a sort of second personality.

I always wished that someone would find me out so I could stop the sick feeling every time I failed to answer honestly about what I was thinking. Now I have to find a way to be ok with being a fraud. I do know that I have always sought out social interaction even though I suck at it. I have always wanted friends even though I fail to call them out of nowhere or remember their birthdays or what is going on in their lives. Maybe, if I can come to expect my life as a fraud, I can get past this and back to getting better at being social.